Writing

I've been writing a lot lately. Obviously, not here. But I have had the opportunity to write letters, mostly to my friend Sherry who has moved to Brooklyn to attend the New York Academy of Art. I forgot how cathartic it is, seeing written word on paper. And unlike e-mail, when I get a return letter, I can't reference what I wrote to her, and I have to rely on memory. (Oh, my lord, have I told you about my non-memory?) It has been a wonderful exercise in written correspondence.

If you're interested in me sending you a letter, leave a comment below!

I had a thought this morning about my new job - a temporary position in data entry at a cell phone tower company. It's both challenging and rewarding. I listen to audiobooks while I enter information, and I'm not side-tracked by constant interruptions from co-workers or competing projects. At the end of the week, I feel like I have contributed to society and earned an honest wage. I need to find a permanent position like this.

There's a voice in the back of my head saying "but wait, Katie, what about that Social Work degree you were going for? Does that mean nothing to you?" To which I reply, yes, it means a lot to me. I am not going back to school, and do not plan on completing this degree, which is a bummer because I have a huge student loan to pay off. I think I learned much more about myself in SW school than about the field. Let's face it - I'm a mess, and I can't be expected to help someone through their problems if I can't even confront my own. I set myself up to fail, and - ta-da! it worked! My involuntary withdrawal from a graduate program at the 8th best School for Social Work in the country was much more a cry for help than getting screwed over by a couple of deficient professors.

This year has been a lesson in learning what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I may not know exactly what, but I've ruled out "anything in the human services field or human services related or mental health reform". That last sentence sends my heart rate up a few notches - there's so much work that needs to be done on a broken system! Who is going to help all the people that need me? This is exactly why it's not me. I can't help everyone. I need projects that have a beginning and an ending to fulfill my satisfaction quotient.

I will leave on the following anecdote, regarding working with engineers. Somehow between Women's Studies classes and working with mostly female-dominated workplaces since undergrad, I forgot that there are still male-dominated workplaces where females also work. My office environment is different from any other that I've worked at in this way. And engineers are different in that everything has to have a function. The following interaction took place on the elevator this week:

M: It looks like you have green around the edges of your glasses!
K: Yes, it's an acrylic around the glass.
M: What's it for, though?
K: (dumbstruck) To look pretty.

That's something that will not change - there will always be material things in my life just to look pretty.

Massage Therapy

I love getting a massage. What's not to like? But I have to tell you about Sherry. She puts the therapy in massage therapy. I had a blast tonight, just talking about how life is going, and it really took the tension off how deep her hands were working. I was telling her how many people tell me "I have to tell you this, but don't post it on Facebook!" Which would be offensive, if I didn't post almost everything on Facebook.

The best part was at the end of the session when she said "you know Katie, I've been seeing you for eight months, and you are not as stressed as when we first started". I started thinking about it. Eight months ago I was in school. I was a mess. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, I was concerned about the next deadline, the next assignment, getting everything in order, what I could do tomorrow that I did not have to do today. The school thing didn't work out. But I feel so much better now!

I have come to realize that I may not be making much money. I may not be helping people on a one-on-one basis. But I love my little microcosm of family and friends. I am so proud to be in the presence of such greatness all around me, and appreciate the gifts I have been given. I am surrounded by positive energy.

I realize it is silly to be in graduate school and "not know where you're going". I thought I was on the best path to doing what I want to do with the rest of my life. My 29th birthday was terrible! I had just learned that I would not be returning to school the next semester. Little did I know, this was a blessing in disguise. I still want to work helping people - this has been my life goal since first grade. What I am realizing is that this is a very broad job description, and I have to figure out more specifically how I want to help people. I don't think I want to work in human services or non-profit organizations for the rest of my life. I just want a stable job that pays well and that I enjoy doing. Is that too much to ask?

I find myself liking 29. I can't imagine how stressed out I would be if I were still in school. I will probably go back to school in a few years. It's just not right for me right now. I'm just going to take it day by day, and see what the world holds for me tomorrow.

And schedule my next appointment with Sherry.  White Dahlia - tell them I referred you!