Anger

I have been thinking a lot about anger lately. Because I have this deep-rooted anxiety; and there's a philosophy that anger leads to fear which leads to anxiety. So the question is: what am I angry about? I could wax philosophic until the cows come home - there are so many things I could be angry about.

I believe most of my anxiety lies in fear - the "what ifs" in life. I'm big on "what ifs" - what if I can't pay the satellite bill and we lose service? What if a dachshund has to go to the emergency room? What  if the neighbors hate us because we haven't raked the yard? All are hypothetical - except the first one, which we're getting along fine without TV when we have 3000 DVDs to watch. The anger would come after the crisis, when I realize something could have been done to prevent it.

This week my dad celebrated his birthday. Dad is laid back, yet an early bird and disciplined in his work ethic. His outlook on anger is healthy and seems to work once put into use: things happen. You get angry. If there's something you can do to change it, then do it. If there isn't, then that's it. The past is the past, and you cannot change the past.

I think the hitch is sometimes we get caught up in the part where you try to change these things that happen.

My sister died. I hate it and it makes me sad, but I cannot hold any anger, and I cannot change it.

A couple of weeks ago, I had dinner with two friends from my original UNC School of Social work cohort. They asked me how I was doing after my suspension from the program. I had learned of my suspension in early December, and this was a month later. When I first learned I was not getting a passing grade in a course, I called the professor to see if there was anything I could do to get those 2 extra points; there was not. I talked to my supervisor, who was very forthcoming in that it was too late to change anything.
Finally, I went to the Dean to talk about the Distance Education Program, to try and get some peace of mind that we were getting lower quality professors than full-time students. He seemed offended at this suggestion. To put this in perspective, however, I told him I had met with someone that works in the Learning Center across campus, and they were going to "coach" me in the next semester (for which I was not returning). He had never even heard of the Learning Center, and it seemed to be a new concept to him.

And that was it. I had done what I could. I was not returning to school, there was nothing I could do to change it. I cannot hold a grudge and let it fester inside of me and bring me down to this bottomless pit where I have been before*.

That's anger. You cannot hold onto it until your blood boils, you have to deal with it and then leave it be. Learn from your past mistakes, and take steps to make sure it does not happen again. And move on to the next thing. And believe me when I say I'm not angry.

*working on a post on the history of depression and how I fit that mold.